Sunday, August 14, 2016
No matter how much I wish things could be different, Heather is gone and there is no going back. Every day it's a struggle not to spend my day in tears. But, each day I get up and try to function the best that I can. She's my baby, and when she was with us, I loved her so much. While she is gone, I still love her. I still miss her and I still worry about her. Has the pain left? Is she really at peace? I have to trust that she is.
When you lose your child, whether from suicide, overdose, an accident or even a serious illness, it is just so hard. Your heart still has all the love, but we can no longer hold them. We can't pick up a phone and ask them what's going on in their lives. They have no more life. They are now our angels.
I got to know Heather before she was even born. She was inside of me and I grew to love her more and more each day. I am still growing to love her more and more. Death doesn't change that. When I had Heather, I was so scared. Imagine, my third child scared me so much, most of my pregnancy was in fear. You see, we almost lost both of her sisters. Carol was a newborn, not even a day old, and she stopped breathing. They got her breathing again, but that was the first time I learned that the fear of something going wrong could scare me that much. Then, when Amy was just about 11 months old, she caught a very bad virus. 10 days in ICU and for months, she was on meds every 2 hours, around the clock. Amy finally got healthy, but those days in the ICU scared the daylights out of me.
Then the news came. I was pregnant with Heather. I was so scared. I didn't think of the joy of having her, I thought of the fear of possibly losing her. I was so scared. You know what? She was born so healthy. I thought all my fears of losing a child were over. How wrong I was. Now, I can't do anything more with her except talk with her and tell her in my prayers and thoughts that I still love her and wish the best for her.
You can't fear life or it won't be complete. You can't fear the unknown but try your best to overcome any challenges you may encounter. One of my greatest challenges is waking up each day and looking for the good in the day. Every day I want to show Heather that we are doing ok. We can function in life with her beside us as our personal angel. She was an angel to so many in life. She helped those that needed her, even if she really didn't care for the person that needed the help. We all need to be more like Heather and help those that we can. It's not always easy, and trust me, I am far from perfect here, but each day, we all need to be more like her.
Heather is gone. As parents, many of us have lost children. It's a pain you never want to know, but it's a pain that you can live with. The pain in my heart is a constant reminder of the beautiful woman that Heather grew up to be. So, please, do me a favor. When you see someone grieving for their child, keep this phrase out of your conversation, no matter how long it has been. Never, ever tell someone to "Get Over It." That is the cruelest thing to say - there is no getting over the loss.
Yes, function, live your life, make your child proud of the person that you are. They may be our angels now, but that will never stop the love that we have for them in our hearts.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Heather is never far from our thoughts. We all miss her every day but we have to accept that nothing is going to bring her back to us. That is the hardest part of all. I beg to have her come back, but that doesn't work. She is gone and nothing I can do will bring her back.
I know I haven't been writing as much, and for that I am sorry, but each of these posts rip through my soul a little more. I just have to learn to accept things. Life is like that. I'm not just talking about death, I am talking about life. If something in your life is bothering you, change it. Heather didn't want to be in a world like we have today. She didn't see anything worthwhile. The part that Heather didn't get, and many of us, is that we suffer with some things in our life, but we don't take the steps to change things.
If something is making you miserable, stop accepting that as your life. Look at what you want your life to be. What is your dream life? What would make your life better? What would make you happy to wake up every morning? Well, start working towards that. No, the change isn't going to happen overnight in most cases, but, there is nothing stopping you from changing your situation. It's a decision that you have to make yourself. No one can do it for you. Change isn't always easy, but, if you find something you want, changing what is holding you back is that much better. Take a step, one step at a time.
Let's say your are really feeling overwhelmed by something. You want to talk but you are afraid to share this. You don't want your friends to know. You are sure that if you share with your friends, others will just talk about you behind your back. How about going to talk to a therapist? They aren't going to gossip about what you share. They aren't going to post your private thoughts all over Facebook. Sometimes getting a third party involved is just the ticket. You can vent and you can have a new set of eyes look at what is getting to you, what is tearing you apart on the inside.
Instead of venting and holding things deep inside, let's decide to work towards change. Let's work to change our lives to be a life that makes us want to get up every morning. Find your happy place in this world. Yes, change can be hard, but sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that no change is the hardest part of all. If your life is miserable and you don't change things, every day you will wake up to the same misery. Let's work together. Look at our lives. Find what we really want and let's work towards that - one step at a time.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Nine months of my life have disappeared. If I look back over the time that we have spent without Heather in our midst, there aren't too many moments that stand out. It seems like, for the most part, I have just existed. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I am trying to go forward, one step at a time. It's not always easy and there are times, I can't even take a step at all. Sometimes, like in real life, sometimes I just need to pause and catch my balance. That is usually easier said than done. I love all my girls so much. It hurts when people say that I have 2 daughters now. No, I have 3. One of them may be an angel, but she is still my daughter. Suicide didn't change that.
These days I do know that Heather will not be walking down the path from the parking lot, but it doesn't mean that I don't wish she still could. I know she won't be stopping over for a few hours for something to eat and a nap before heading out to work. I still wish she could. That is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I had to accept that the Heather I knew is now an Angel.
Acceptance is hard but it is necessary. I also accept that I still need Heather's angel to be a big part of my life. I need to keep sharing and trying to help others see that suicide is not the solution. Drugs aren't the solution. I need others to realize that Mental Health is so important and that we are losing our very souls to an epidemic that is being swept under the rugs. Wake up and smell the reality! Unless we start opening our mouths and really letting others know that they need to talk about Mental Health issues and sharing where help can be found, we are going to keep losing one beautiful soul after another.
Together, we can share and help raise awareness for Mental Health. Together, we can save lives.