Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Pain From Heather's Suicide Won't Go Away

Pain and tears. Some days I feel like that is all my life will be. Yes, I love my other 2 girls and I love my grandson, but it doesn't take away the love I have for Heather. I miss her every day of my life. I do my best to make sure I don't cry around Carter. He doesn't like when I cry. It makes him sad and I don't want that.

I try my best every day to function, but I know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. I toss and turn most of the night. I just try to get through the night so that I can face another day. I still have no desire to eat. I try different recipes but usually my stomach just goes into knots and I wish I hadn't eaten anything. Is this the rest of the my life? Tears and pain? That's all I see for my future.

I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I started watching the last season of Hannibal last night and when they were talking about Dante's Hell and that the 7th level of Hell was reserved for suicides, I wanted to die. I don't want Heather in Hell. I want her in Heaven, with the other angels. She was and will always be my angel. She had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. The pain Heather felt didn't make her a bad person. She was suffering in silence through mental illness and that is the cause of her death. Suicide was just her cure for the pain. No, I know she is in Heaven and what gets me through each day is knowing that one day in the future, I will be able to give her a hug. I so long to do that.

I'm sorry I haven't shared lately, but some days, the pain just gets too intense. Imagine your life never seeing one of the people that you love dearly and was taken from you too soon. It's devastating. I spoke with my father the other day and he summed up the loss of my Mom very simply. This is something I don't think I will ever recover from. That about sums it all up.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Heather, Death Doesn't Stop My Love and Caring

Heather, Every day without you is painful. Every single day is a reminder that you are no longer with us. I can no longer hear your beautiful voice. I can no longer feel your arms wrapped around me. There are so many things I can no longer do. I can and will love you forever. You are forever in my thoughts. You are forever in my prayers. You are forever in my heart.

I treasure every picture I have of you. I look at them and I try to smile at the memories. You were my baby. Nothing will ever change that. A lot of times, there are posts shared on social media about how much we, as parents, truly love our kids. If your kid is the best, like and share this post. If you would do anything for your child, like and share this post. There are so many of them, and Heather, they are all true. Just because you are up in Heaven, it doesn't change my thoughts. You are my baby.

I wouldn't want to not see those posts, because it is a reminder that I have 3 beautiful daughters. I have 3 daughters with a heart of gold. They are beautiful inside and out. I would do anything for every single one of them and I know, those of you that are parents, would do anything for yours. But, do me a favor, also think of how blessed you are and how, whether suicide, overdose, accident, etc., you would feel if you could no longer see your child again.

People will ask me how I am doing. Some people tell me that I need to get better. I just know that every day is a learning curve for me. Every day I have to learn how to deal with not being able to be with Heather. Life is full of memories and I don't regret any of them. Because of each and every memory that I have, I am the person that I am. Yes, I wish I could have many more memories with Heather, but yesterday, I realized that I am also making new memories with her. New memories that were made with Heather when she was already an angel.

My birthday was about a month after Heather took her life. If you knew her, Heather was great at drawing. Well, we used to go to the movies as a family for my birthday (and Heather's). Well, we went and while I can't really remember too many details of the movie, I do remember on the way down to the theater, just asking Heather for a sign that she was at peace, that she was still here with us. Well, on the drive, the sunset was amazing. We both took it as a sign that Heather was painting us a beautiful sunset. And beautiful it was. The newspapers in the area even had photos of the sunset, because it was just that beautiful. For me, that was Heather - sharing a beautiful creation for all of us lucky enough to take time out of day to witness the beauty.

Yes, my baby is gone. Yes, I can't hug her anymore. Yes, I can still make memories. Yes, she is and always will be in my thoughts, just as my other daughters are in my thoughts. We all miss her and the ache in our hearts will never leave us, but she is still here with us. We all need to keep making memories, whether our children are with us ... or not.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Happy Birthday Heather

Happy Birthday, baby. It kills me every day that I can't talk to you, can't see you, can't hold you, but special days are the hardest. You were such a beautiful person and I know you are a beautiful angel. I also know it's selfish of me, but I just want you back, with every fiber of my being.

If I could change anything, it would be to talk to you more. Tell you more often that you were worth it. Tell you that every single person has really bad days at one point in their life, but there are good days that are right around the corner. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry I didn't know how much you needed me. I wish you were better at believing how much you were loved by everyone. You had a heart of gold - a gold so pure that you touched so many lives. You made a difference to so many - including myself and your sisters. Even Carter was left a better person by you being in his life. I'm sorry he won't get to know you better except from what we tell him.

What do you give an angel for her birthday? An angel that has no more material wants and needs. An angel that needs no food or substance. I can't bake for you. I can't make you your favorite meals. I actually feel guilty because I don't know which movie you would want to go see for your birthday. You really loved going to the movies. I'm sure there would have been a few you wanted to see. I try to watch movies and shows, but in reality, shortly after I turn them off, the plot is gone from my mind.

You always loved to draw. I wish you kept more of your artwork, but we love the ones that we have. For your birthday, I wish you a day to play in the clouds to do some cloud painting. We're supposed to have some thunderstorms, so add them to your artwork. Make it gorgeous! Make it special! You are gorgeous and special and you deserve nothing less. Pour the power from any storm through your art and share the work for the world to see. We all know you were beautiful inside and out, but show the world your artwork in the clouds. Let me see what we all know.

When the thunder rumbles from the sky, make a beautiful song. I know you know the words to every song you ever liked - sing them loud and proud! Hey, we've lost some great musicians that are up there with you, have a party and hear the songs from some of the masters. Sing and dance and raise a drink to toast yourself. You are special. You will always be my baby. I may not be able to hold you in my arms, but you are in my heart. No go out there and rock the heavens and maybe, just maybe, if we listen and watch hard enough, we can see your artwork and hear the party!

I love you, Heather, always and forever. I wish you enough.