I Wish I Could Turn Back the Clock
It's been over 2 weeks now since I last hugged my daughter and laughed with her. It kills me a little bit every day knowing that she won't be coming home. I wash dishes and bawl that she didn't leave any dishes in the sink that she didn't rinse off. I cry planning dinner because I don't have to ask her if she will come home.
On her last day, she wrote "Aunt Yaya love you!" on the cabinet with chalkboard paint on it. Yesterday, Carter started erasing it and I sobbed for so long. Only part of it remains. I know it won't last forever. We do have a picture of it, but I want it to stay. I want Heather to stay. I want her to walk in the door and tell me it was a bad dream but that won't happen. Knowing it doesn't stop me wishing for a miracle.
So many thoughts run through my head ... mostly starting with "What if?" I think back to my own youth. I tried to make others happy and I made myself miserable, so perhaps I have an idea of what she felt like. I chose a different method to end my life - pills. However, I didn't succeed. I only succeeded in making it so if I ever take aspirin, my stomach feels like it is on fire, so I stay away from that now. I also know I never want to get my stomach pumped again!
I got to see the pain I attempted to leave behind, so I knew I would never try that again. Perhaps if I talked to Heather more about that when she was with us, she would have found another way. Perhaps if I got more professional help for my depression, she would have too. I have found people in my life that I truly love with all my heart. I know I could never put them through the grief that we are now going through.
People tell me that one day I will be able to function normally - I just have to find out what normal is again. But it won't be the normal that I want. Heather is no longer running in on Monday morning and saying, "Let's watch the latest Walking Dead." Now I watch it with her spirit, I lay down where she laid down to watch it and feel like I am with her.
I am working on refinishing her bookcase to make it as artistic as she was (this is not going to be easy because she truly was so talented). She was always the one we turned to for the finishing touches to make things so special. I do what I can each day to spend as much time with her as I can. Carter keeps me busy - he is only 2 so he doesn't grasp while we all break down crying and get our eyes wet. Perhaps that is our blessing in all of this - he keeps trying to show us that life goes on.
Please, do us and your loved ones a favor. If you feel like suicide is your only option, please call for help! You can even message me on my blog - I will talk with you (I am not a trained counselor, just a Mom who knows what it is like to lose someone so dear to me). Call the suicide hotline. They are trained. Please. There is nothing that cannot be overcome and leave you with a life worth living. Don't let my daughter die in vain. Let her be your savior - to help you find the reason to live!
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