It's Very Hard Going Forward

Each day that I wake up, the first thought I have is of Heather. I just want her here. I am trying my best to make sure that each thought becomes a positive action toward the better. It's not always easy. The tissue supply just got replenished. Who knew that a person had this many tears inside of them.

I truly have 3 beautiful daughters. It's hard to imagine that the photos we have are the last photos that will have Heather in them. Heather really didn't like her picture being taken, but she let us keep some of them. To say she was fussy about pictures is a huge understatement.

We are making progress. We have her bookcase all ready to start priming. I will probably wait until Carter goes to sleep to start painting. Painting seems like it will be a lot easier without the help of a 2-year old. He does love to help me work on the bookcase. As I sanded, he sanded. He's a great kid and has helped me so much over the past 19 days.

Each morning when I go into the kitchen, I cross off the previous day and my first thought is, like today, 19 days without Heather. It's so hard. Thanksgiving is on the 26th this year - one month without her. That is just so hard to fathom. If only there were a reset button. I would do anything to have her back with us.

Tonight is The Walking Dead. We all love that show. I know Heather has gone down and  visited behind the scenes. I believe with all my heart that Heather knows if Glenn is alive or not. Too bad she can't send a sign to us but I guess then she would get yelled at for a spoiler alert.

Many of you may know that we are starting to write a book - Letters to Heather. Carol and Amy are going to join me and that makes me happy. I'm sure it makes Heather happy too. I have to believe that. One girl I met through there really touched my heart after reading the first few letters I wrote. Her messages to me ensured that the path we are taking there is one that would make Heather happy. It will be good for us and hopefully, through us, Heather can continue helping people long into the future.

The fog is slowly lifting. I am not sure I am ready to let it lift all the way - it's pretty painful still, but I am able to get things done. Who knows, maybe one day I will remember all that transpired through these early days. My blog posts and my letters to Heather will help some. I know many came to see us in the early days - many showed up to her service and stopped by the apartment to see us. I have to be honest, while I do thank you all for coming and all, most of the memories then are just a blur. Random memories pop up now and then. Some good. Some hard. But I do want you all to know that we appreciate it all. I don't know that we would have gotten through this far without you.

The worst part of starting to come out of the fog is hearing about Paris and the events going on around the world. Part of me is glad that Heather isn't here to see this. The attacks on the World Trade Centers had such an impact on her young life. Watching this unfold would have been so hard on her. She felt such empathy for others. The entire world is changing so fast. I can't say that all of the changes are for the better, and like I said, part of me is glad she isn't going to have to live through this.

I am going to end this for now. I will leave you with my prayers and thoughts going to all of those that are suffering losses and injuries during these times. I send you healing strength as you will need it. Put one foot in front of the other, and one day you will realize that you are moving forward. Hopefully, in time, we all learn to deal with our new normal lives.


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