35 Days and Counting

It's been over a month and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I shared this picture that I found on her Facebook. She loves all things colorful and I love how she created this rainbow picture of herself. We are all going through the motions of every day life. I admit, I think Amy and Carol are doing better. I really don't like going out, but really, that's not too different. I have been let down by so many people in the past, my family is the one I choose to spend most of my time with. It's just easier for me. When we do go out, like for the Polar Express Train Ride, I try and enjoy myself but the only thing I really want is to go back home where I am surrounded by Heather's things.

I look for signs from her everywhere. Mostly I think I see her in the clouds. There have been so many unique cloud formations when I look up, I just see her trying her hand at cloud painting, and I must say, she is doing a great job. Heather really was very talented. At least now, when you look up and see some beautiful clouds, maybe you too can think of my baby and think that she is up there making a pretty cloud picture for us all.

Christmas is on it's way. Nothing I can do can slow this down, but I really am not ready for another major holiday without her. Amy and I usually are up to our eyeballs in cookie dough by now, getting ready to share tons of cookies with so many people. I don't think we are going to get it all done this year, but I know people will understand. I just can't bring myself to get into the baking spirit. Heather worked the overnights a lot of the time, so during the day, she would be my assistant. In other words, she would play with Carter so I could keep putting pans in and out of the oven. I don't have my assistant this year. By the time Amy gets home from work, we are both ready to just try to chill for the night.

It's also hard with Carol living in Florida now. We are going down in January to visit with her and have a little late Christmas for Carter's birthday. I think it will be nice, but again, that will be the longest I have been out of the house since all this happened. The benefit is that we will see Carol. We miss her too. It's hard with her gone too, but at least we get to talk on the phone often and Skype with her. Although, when she is on Skype, I have to admit that Carter tends to take over the computer and it becomes his time with Aunt Ara. (Quite a bit of that chat tends to be about whose dog Roxi really is.) They both say My Puppy, but in the summer, Roxi will be going down to Florida to join Carol. She really is Carol's puppy. I know Carter will miss her, but I know Carol misses her more.

Simple tasks of the past require thought these days. I try to make as many routines as I can. For example, I'm not allowed to cross off the previous day of the calendar until I feed Roxi. I know Roxi would let me know really quick if her food bowl was empty, but I try to make sure it is always filled for her without making her throw the bowl around demanding that it get filled up. To be honest, with Carter around, I could probably just stop buying dog food. He loves to share his food with her. I try to stop as much as I can, but it's hard when Roxi wants it as much as he wants to share it with her.

Well, another day is here and it's time to start functioning. My buddy Carter is starting to wake up so my peace and quiet is gone for a while. That's a good thing. He helps me so much. I don't know what I would do without him. I would probably still be sitting here spending 24/7 crying about Heather. Don't get me wrong, I still cry, but I do try to keep the tears to a minimum around him. It's so hard when he says "Aunt Yaya come home." It's usually followed by "Eyes wet". It crushes me every time. We try to play cars and watch some shows on the TV. Since we just saw the Big Train, we are more into the Choo-Choo shows now. Any train will do!

I'll talk to you all again soon. Just a little update to let you all know that we are doing ok. Some days are harder than others, but we should all come out on top eventually. Thank you to all those that have helped us so much since this happened.


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