Life Without My Baby Is So Different

My life these days is so different. One day just seems to blend into another. I don't remember nearly enough of what has gone on these past weeks. I mistakenly thought that after the first couple of weeks, I would remember more. I guess I do remember more, but not everything. I have learned to write down even the little things. I wish I could remember more of what happened those first couple of weeks, but those are memories that I can't bring back. When I try, it just is the memory of the 3 NJ State Troopers in my living room and that is a memory I would gladly forget. Unfortunately, I don't think I ever will.

Carter and I are starting to get into a routine, I guess. The only part I don't like is that he is starting to want to give up his naps. Basically, he takes a nap now only a few days a week, the rest he just does not want one. We can sit quietly for a couple of hours, but he won't fall asleep. Oh well, time to make some more adjustments.

I can't really stay up too late anymore. When I stay up later, it usually means I am up for most of the night. Most days, I lay down early and can get to sleep. It usually gives me a little time to myself in the mornings, but not always. I plan to write my posts during those times, but that doesn't happen all the time either. Overall, I have learned to be more flexible.

Taking things for granted is no longer a part of my life. I question everything and I guess that is a good thing. I used to hold a lot of my thoughts inside, but now I share them. I accept that not everyone will agree with my thoughts, but I am who I am. Either you accept me for me or you don't. That is good.

Amy and Carol go to actual group meetings for the survivors of suicide. I actually use an online forum when I need to chat with someone. For me, the meetings would be too hard. I know there are many that are going through and have gone through what we are going through, but I don't want to focus on the cause. I want to work towards a solution. Will I find one? I hope so. Will I at least make an attempt? Most definitely! Am I ready yet? Far from it. While I am not ready yet, I know I will spend some time each day learning what I can. That knowledge will help me in the future and honestly, it helps me deal with all that has been going on.

I know Heather will never walk through the door. I know I will never get another hug from her. I know I will randomly break down and sob. I try to hold them in as much as I can when it is just Carter and I. At 2 years old, he really doesn't understand all that is going on, but it is hard. We still haven't decorated for Christmas, to be honest, neither of us wants to. We will put up a small tree for Carter but that's about it for us. We just can't skip over Christmas when Carter is just starting to believe. That wouldn't be fair to him.

Well, Carter is ready for Grandma to play with him. Time for me to go. Thank you to those of you that keep checking in. It helps.


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