Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Regrets, I've Had a Few


I don't go to the forums for suicide survivors often, because it is just too hard to see all the suicides that have happened. I will tell you, though, that the guilt is really getting to me and I know that guilt is really not helpful. Yesterday, I posted and out of the replies, the best one I got was to try to switch my guilt to regret. Yes, I regret a lot. I really do. It hurts so much that Heather is gone. If I could turn back the clock, I would change many things, but I don't know if they would have helped. That's the ultimate fact. I don't know.

While I can't say that the tears will end anytime soon, I think it may be easier to deal with knowing that no matter what, it was not my decision. It was Heather's decision. No, I don't like her decision and I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. This was her choice and I have to accept it. I don't know when the tears will stop. I think they will continue long into the future. I can't help it. I miss her terribly. I seem to fall asleep with tears in my eyes and wake up with more.

I haven't had a dream with her in so long, it hurts. I miss seeing her, even in my dreams. I just wish I could undo this all, but my brain knows that I can't. I have to find a way to accept this. While I will always miss her and want a different story, I also know that I have to find a better way to deal with this. Regrets. Maybe regret won't be as painful as the guilt. I don't know. But, anything is worth a shot.