Monday, December 7, 2015

Six Weeks and the Pain Doesn't End


Six weeks ago today, my world was sane. Six weeks ago tonight, my world changed so much. I never knew that pain could last so long and cut so deep. When I found out I was pregnant with Heather, I cried. I learned after almost losing Amy as a baby that I knew my world would end if I ever lost a child. When Heather was born, she was perfect. I was so happy. I knew she was a true blessing and she helped me so much. Just by being born. I knew that life could go on and would.

When the NJ State Police showed up, I heard the words that every parent dreads. Your child is gone. I have 3 beautiful girls. I just can't visit with Heather anymore. I can't spend anymore time with her. I can't get any more hugs from her. I can't even watch her pass out on the couch after working an overnight. Simple things. I miss them all. When a child is born, a piece of your heart goes to them. It's no longer yours. Now, I have a hole in my heart that I just can't fill. Doing things for Heather, like the bookcase, help me to spend time with her. Writing letters to her helps, but I would do anything for a return letter. The only letter I have is her goodbye letter. It's not enough.

There is so much I would change if I could, but I can't. I can't go back and undo this. As Carol told me, the Butterfly Effect would kick in and things could be so much worse. Worse? Is there really a worse? I find that hard to believe but I wouldn't want to take any chances. I never thought a person could hurt this much and make it through six weeks. If I felt any worse, I don't know that I could survive.

Heather showed me life could go on and be beautiful after almost losing a daughter. Now she needs to show me that life that go on after losing her. She was a blessing to me. It's hard to know she is gone forever, but I have accepted that. I still cry. I don't know if the time will come that I don't cry. Is that selfish of me? I don't know and I don't care. She was a beautiful woman and now she is a beautiful angel.