Thursday, January 28, 2016
I Wish I Had Known
My world these days is a world I don't know anymore. I watch my grandson, Carter, while Amy works, and I look forward to sleep every day. I know it's probably not healthy, but my sleep has gone up. It's like I've been hibernating. I fall asleep and go into a deep sleep. I don't want to dream because I can't guarantee it will be a good dream. I know Heather won't ever come home again, but it doesn't mean that I don't look for her. I close my eyes and see her, but the Heather I see is gone.
I haven't been writing on my blog because it's just been too hard. It's so hard to talk about my beautiful daughter, Heather. It's hard to accept that her life is over. I don't want it to be but there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. I'm tired of crying all the time. I think if I let myself go, I would cry 24/7. It's been over 3 months now and the pain is still intense.
What do I do? I keep as busy as I can. I try to block out free time. I play a lot of games with Carter and watch some shows with him. I try to cook (I still have about 3 recipes that I have to share.) My problem is sharing gives me time to think and well, that is painful. When I can't be busy, I try to sleep away the pain. It doesn't always help, but sometimes I can just go so deep in my sleep that I really get some rest. Some days, the rest is awful and I spend most of the night tossing and turning.
All I can say is this. If you feel like you are ever at the end of your rope, please, don't take your life. The pain doesn't end - ever. The pain continues for those left alive. Please, if you feel suicidal, get some help. I've heard people say it's embarrassing, it's hard. Really? Imagine a life feeling pain that doesn't end. I mean, what's the worst that can happen if you ask for help. You might actually get some help and make your life a lot better. You might not leave your family and friends staggering around like zombies with the loss.
I will try to be better and share more. I have to do something, I'm just not sure what.