Thursday, January 28, 2016

I Wish I Had Known


Those 5 words say so much. The tears say more. Heather, we all miss you so much. Life is just not the same. None of us wanted to ever lose you and none of us knew this was coming. I think about you everyday - that will never change. I don't know what to do anymore.

My world these days is a world I don't know anymore. I watch my grandson, Carter, while Amy works, and I look forward to sleep every day. I know it's probably not healthy, but my sleep has gone up. It's like I've been hibernating. I fall asleep and go into a deep sleep. I don't want to dream because I can't guarantee it will be a good dream. I know Heather won't ever come home again, but it doesn't mean that I don't look for her. I close my eyes and see her, but the Heather I see is gone.

I haven't  been writing on my blog because it's just been too hard. It's so hard to talk about my beautiful daughter, Heather. It's hard to accept that her life is over. I don't want it to be but there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. I'm tired of crying all the time. I think if I let myself go, I would cry 24/7. It's been over 3 months now and the pain is still intense.

What do I do? I keep as busy as I can. I try to block out free time. I play a lot of games with Carter and watch some shows with him. I try to cook (I still have about 3 recipes that I have to share.) My problem is sharing gives me time to think and well, that is painful. When I can't be busy, I try to sleep away the pain. It doesn't always help, but sometimes I can just go so deep in my sleep that I really get some rest. Some days, the rest is awful and I spend most of the night tossing and turning.

All I can say is this. If you feel like you are ever at the end of your rope, please, don't take your life. The pain doesn't end - ever. The pain continues for those left alive. Please, if you feel suicidal, get some help. I've heard people say it's embarrassing, it's hard. Really? Imagine a life feeling pain that doesn't end. I mean, what's the worst that can happen if you ask for help. You might actually get some help and make your life a lot better. You might not leave your family and friends staggering around like zombies with the loss.

I will try to be better and share more. I have to do something, I'm just not sure what.