Friday, February 26, 2016

4 Months Without You Feels Like a Lifetime


Tonight will be 4 months that you are gone. It feels like a lifetime, Heather. I cry for you and for so many things where I feel I let you down. Guilt is an awful feeling - I know - I have felt it for a lifetime. Heather, while you are gone, you are still teaching me still and I am so thankful for the time that we had together. In order to do this post, I have to share something of my past that I never wanted to share.

Long, long ago, I was a happy child. I loved my family, I loved school. I was the youngest of 4 girls and being the geek that I was back then, I used to go through my older sisters school books and see what they were learning and try to learn it myself. One day, all of that changed. I was in either 5th or 6th grade (I had the same teacher for both years so I can't be sure, but I think it was 6th grade). As I said, I loved school, so I was often at the school after dismissal. Clapping erasers and cleaning the blackboard meant extra time of school for me. I had one school staff confront me. I can't remember who he was, I just remember as a kid, you listened to adults. They were there to help you. Well, he got me into the bathroom at the school and said I missed my health check-up because of band practice. I was told to lift my shirt because I missed a body check - it appeared I was developing too slowly. He did a very thorough checkup up top. Yes, now I know I was stupid, but we didn't know a lot about pedophiles back then. Anyway, he basically told me that I was having growth problems and would never grow up to be a full woman. And then the molestation started. It was only the one time with him, but it left a lifetime of feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy.

I hid. I hated going to school. I would sleep whenever was possible. I would love to say that it all ended there, but it didn't. Life continued. It's like the pedophiles have a radar and once you are stalked, you seem to be an easier target. As I grew up, I hid. I ran away from home, I tried escaping with way too many drugs, I attempted suicide. I grew up feeling ugly and unworthy of love.

A lot of the pain of losing Heather is the guilt. Did she get molested? Did she get raped? I admitted to my girls that I had been raped. But I still hid from it. Did I let her down? She changed and maybe in my trying to hide my own shame, I may have let her down. I know that now she is no longer in pain and for that, I am happy for her. I hope she was never hurt, but I can't be sure. It's always an unanswered question if I truly let her down when she needed me the most. For that, Heather, I'm sorry. So sorry. I can't say it enough. I can't cry enough to let the pain go.

I'm hoping that working through this and admitting why I felt so unworthy of my own family, that maybe I can help others by sharing my story here. Until the day I die, I will never know the answers about Heather, but I will always have regret. My daughter, Heather, was in pain. It's a pain I understand. Maybe that's why I say I can never feel anger towards her. No, I'm not suicidal. I know that isn't the solution. I want to make sure that others know that isn't the solution either. Suicide took Heather's pain away. In it's place, it left a huge amount of pain.

Never let anyone do or say anything to you that makes you feel less of a human being. If they do, cut them from your life. If they physically hurt you, take them to task and put them away so they can't hurt anyone else. Don't hide from it. If someone hurts you, they are at fault, not you! If you feel suicidal, trust me, talk about it. Hiding from it, being ashamed to talk about it, will only make things worse. There is help for everyone that is hurting. Your life is too valuable. Don't throw it away on drugs, don't throw it away by suicide. Know this and know it well, you are worthy!