When Does It Get Easier?

I miss my baby every day. Friday, February 26th, will be 4 months. The pain is as fresh today as it was the day it happened. Heather came over and we had lunch together and played with Carter. Heather loved to draw and spent hours drawing on our chalkboard table. How I wish that I could change that day. It plays in my mind over and over again.

When my girls were little, we spent a lot of time on wrap-around hugs. They were the best. They would jump up and wrap their arms and legs around me so tight. They were the best. On that Monday, when Heather was getting ready to leave, she came over and gave me a hug. For some reason, I reverted back to trying to give her a wrap-around hug. It didn't work out so well, and it killed my back, but for some reason I had to try.

Heather was supposed to come back in the evening. She never showed. Instead, I had 3 NJ State Police knocking on our front door. At first, we thought she had an accident. I called Amy and asked her to come home. I tried to stay calm so as not to scare her, but I guess that didn't work as she flew home. She met the police on the way in. They were coming in to tell us that she passed and it was too late to go to the hospital.

I'm told that I screamed loudly and well, I don't remember much after that. I will tell you tho, I relive that moment over and over in my mind. I know Carol and RJ came up from Florida. I know my good friend Robyn was there to help me. I know I talked to many people, some personal friends, some friends of my daughters. Most of it, though, I don't remember. I remember stopping by the funeral home before her cremation and I will always remember the feel of my kiss on her lifeless body. It's an image that won't leave my mind.

I have never been one to cry in front of others. These days, I think the only one that sees me cry is my grandson, and I try not to cry in front of him too often. So I hold it in a lot. I really don't want Carter to equate his memories of Yaya (that's what he always called her) with tears. Instead, I try to watch the shows with him that Heather loved. We play with toys and we get through the days.

Most nights, I try to bury my tears in my pillow so I don't keep Amy up. I know it doesn't always work, but I try my best. I look forward to spring so that I can go for a walk in the woods and find some privacy to cry and talk with Heather. At this moment in my life, I look forward  to death. No, I won't take my own life. Carol, Amy and I all promised each other that we would never do that. I just look forward to the day that I can see Heather again and give her a big hug.

If you, or someone you know, ever considers taking their life, please stop. You may no longer feel the pain, but the ones that love you and are left behind, it will tear them up from the inside. The pain doesn't end with suicide, it just gets transferred to your loved ones.


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