Another Month Starts Without My Baby With Us


A new month starts. Each time a new month starts is like a little knife going through my soul. Another month without my beautiful daughter with us. At least I still have dreams with her, but they are so weird lately. I will take weird over not seeing her in my dreams though.

Things are still hard, but I have started my book about mental illness and suicide. It's hard going, but I think it will help others when I can finally finish it. I'm finalizing the first chapter, still working on the second chapter and started the third. Well, I just want to keep my train of thought in the same place. I'm not sure how I will ever be able to finish it, but I will do my best.

It's hard. As I read though some of my blog posts and some letters that I wrote to Heather, it all brings the pain back fresh. At times it feels like I am experiencing it all over again. How do you tell someone that suicide is not the answer. How do you explain to someone in words the pain that is etched in your very soul. So, I read it over and over and make sure I can get the pain into the words. It's so hard. But the outcome, hopefully, will be worth it.

While I am working on a book, I also want all of us to remember that this is a team effort. Everyone needs to let everyone know that they are not alone. They need to know that mental illness is a disease that effects 1 out of every 4 people. They need to know that this common illness needs to be taken out of the dark and have a light shine on. We need to help others know that there can be an end to the pain in their very souls without taking their life.

I'm not sure if I will succeed with my goal, but I will do my best. No, I don't always have the time to write with Carter. Let's be real. A 3-year old doesn't quite grasp the idea of let grandma have some time to herself. LOL So, we play and I try to write during the times that he is off doing things with his Mom. The rest of the time, we play and I talk a lot to Heather about how I should word things in the book.

My beautiful daughter is gone. I can't change that. What I can do, what we can all do, is change how we talk about mental illness. I would love to see this incorporated in some of the health classes that are taught today. How will that get accomplished? By people, just like you and me, sharing and caring. That's the secret. Caring. Let's work together and show the world that we really care.

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