Firsts are Always Hard

Every first without Heather is hard. Simple things can become such a hard reminder that she is no longer with us. This past weekend we had a barbecue with some friends. Well, this was the first barbecue without her around and it was hard. I was originally excited but once the day was here, I just wanted to cry. I tried my best but I have to admit, most of the day, I stayed at home. During the barbecues, Heather used to hang more at our apartment. She would say that she was uncomfortable around a lot of people. I would end up bringing some food back and sharing it with her. Well, for this barbecue, I just found it hard to be around a lot of the people and brought some food back for me and well, I pretty much lost it at that point.

Some people stopped by our apartment (we usually ended up having people at both apartments during the barbecues) so I tried to hold in all the tears, but it meant that for another first, I was hiding myself in a fog. It's the only way for me to get through those days. I remember thinking having a drink would help, but in reality, it won't. I really try to stay away from any alcohol. I know that Heather drank a lot of alcohol the day that she took her life. Alcohol gave her the strength to pull the trigger. These days, I have to admit, I really am afraid to drink.

Each reminder of Heather's final decision is hard for me. I know it's hard for my other daughters too, but she was my baby. I carried her for 9 months and watched her life begin. Never, in my wildest imagination, did I expect that one day she would take her life. All my girls are very much alike, yet they are also their own persons. They say time will help, and I have to accept that is true. It doesn't make it easier though. My heart still feels the deep pain of her loss.

Some days I can eat fine, some days it just all tastes like dust going into my stomach. One day, that may change, but my love for Heather will never die. Losing my Mom just before Heather hurts too. I just want to be held by my Mommy at times and I can't. I can't talk to her and it hurts. It helps knowing that my Mom and Heather are together,

I want to share one thing before I end this. If you feel like you are on overload and just want to end it all, know that your pain will end, but the pain will be shared with those that loved you. Suicide is not the answer. Get someone to talk to and you can get through this battle and still be alive. You don't have to share that pain, you can end it and still be around those that you love.


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