Thursday, May 26, 2016

Cut Through the Fog


One of the comfortable places I have found now is .... the fog. When the pain gets too hard to deal with at times, I simply let the fog take over and try to focus on mindless tasks. Welcome to my fog. I would love to say that I met the fog when I lost Heather, but that wouldn't be the truth. I met the fog long ago in my youth. I did, however, master the fog since Heather. It's a safe place. The pain is numbed but, that means my life is also numbed. I haven't been able to find a way around that. So, I guess my step is taking control of my fog. Scary thought.

Before I continue with this part of the story, I want to say something. Everything that happened to me is my fault. Others may have played a role, but in the end, the final decisions were mine. I love my Mom but she will only hear/read about this from Heaven. I can't tell her some of my decisions and that is ok. I will always still love her and talk with her. Anyway, when I was really little, I used to love the community pool we used to visit. I was told I even took over the steps and would splash anyone that would dare to venture into my pool. LOL When we were done for the day, sometimes one of the friends of my folks would offer me a quarter for a pony ride but I had to sit on his lap and give him a kiss. I'm sure my parents thought it was fine and it's not like he did anything serious, but he gave me the creeps. I do remember asking my Mom why I had to and not my sister. In all honesty, with 4 kids in tow, my Mom was probably exhausted and just ready to end the day. I remember her telling me that I was embarrassing her and just to do it.

Stop embarrassing. She didn't really mean anything terrible by it, but it hit home with me more than my Mom ever knew. The last thing I ever wanted to do was embarrass her. While I was very little then, by the time I was about 10/11 years, I was molested by someone at the school. I have to admit, I have drawn a blank on who and at this point, almost 50 years later, the who isn't important. I have blocked it from my mind and perhaps it is better back there. The fact of the matter is, I didn't make the man stop. I remember having to go into the girls room with a man I knew and was told that I missed an exam and he had to do a breast examination. I could have ended this all, most likely, by screaming my head off. I didn't want to be embarrassed. I was very uncomfortable but I didn't know if this was something I could share or something to be embarrassed by.

I have shared more about this story in the past so I will continue from here. What I learned from all of this was that school was bad. School was not a safe place. School, for me, cause pain. By 7th grade, probably 12/13 years old, I was a pro at ditching school. For all I didn't go to classes, I really didn't get into very much trouble. I got a lot of lectures, but again, I never opened up. I needed to speak up to get it stop but, again, my decision, even in my youth, led me further into pain. I didn't really hang out with a lot of people in school. Letting people in could have caused me more pain and there was no way that I wanted that.

So much pain buried for so long. So many chances for me to open up and end the pain, and I chose not to. Big mistake. If you are in pain, talk about it. There is hope, but the first step is really up to you. Until you take the step and admit it, nothing will be done to end it. I know from personal experience that you don't want to be raped, you don't want to be hit, you don't really want to get wasted drunk, you don't want to be into drugs. All you want is for the pain to stop. It can. Talk about it and get the help that you need.

I know I say that very simply and this is far from simple, but it's worth it. One day at a time, one step at a time, you can make changes. No matter how long you have suffered from the pain, you need to take the step to reach out to get some help. What is your fog? What are you trying to use to hide your pain? Too much alcohol? Too many drugs? Just shut the world out at times in your mind? So many different choices we can all make, but the answer is that we just have to choose something different. The things in our life that are the hardest are the ones that matter the most. Give yourself a chance. The pain can start to end.