Showing posts from June, 2016

Memories Bring Heather Even Closer

I wish I could make some more new memories with her. This was a pretty busy weekend, but I think we all had fun that day. We started the day by heading up to Cape Ann and going out for some whale watching. We ended up going down to almost Boston to see the whales, but it was a beautiful day.
After the whales, we headed here to spend some time with the Witches of Salem. We always tried to incorporate some history into our trips and they had a blast. Amy was so proud, she even got this huge pirate flag to hang in her bedroom. Thing still kept going with a trip to the Boston Aquarium and a walk on the Freedom Trail in Boston. By the end of that weekend, we were exhausted but it was so worth it.
It's so hard each time I think that there will be no more new memories. Since we have our photos all digitized, I randomly get to see all of them. Again, it's still hard, because each new photo that we add means that the photos with Heather in them will appear less and less. Never take yo…

All of Us are Unique

All of us are unique individuals. Every day of our lives, we all change a little more. Our job, each and every single day, is to try to make ourselves a little better. Change is not easy, but it is possible. Is there something that is stressing you? Is there something that makes you cry? These things can change or at least, we can change how we approach things and people.

When are kids are little, we raise them and try to make their lives the best we can. We took this picture of Heather when we were down in Chincoteague. We had these huge 12 foot kites and Heather was upset because she wasn't allowed to fly it. Well, she could hold the string with us, but the wind was pretty strong and Heather was so little, it was literally starting to lift her off the ground. She ran everywhere that vacation - just trying to be airborne. She was a little upset that we wouldn't let her fly, but as her parents, we had to say no - you can't let the kite fly away with you. Not going to happ…

There is No Escape From the Pain

The pain we all feel from the loss of Heather is overwhelming. Our hearts are still not ready and I don't think they ever will be. Years ago, I suffered from a few things that I really don't want to get into at this point, but my first method of getting rid of the pain was alcohol. Yeah, that didn't work out too well. Now, as an adult, I can look back and see that alcohol really is a depressant. I do know that before Heather pulled the trigger, she drank a LOT of alcohol. She was depressed before but the alcohol gave her the "strength" she needed to take her life. So, no, alcohol is not something I can use for escape. It never helped me and it certainly didn't help Heather.

The next step on my journey to escape from the pain was attempting to take my own life. Yeah, I didn't succeed but it didn't mean I didn't feel the pain. My attempt hurt my family and I knew I couldn't hurt my Mom and the rest of them by ever trying this again. After we lo…

Every Day More and More People Amaze Me

I would give anything to have Heather with us again. We tried to do things with them. We tried to raise them right. I told them over and over how much I loved them all. They deserve everything. I love all my girls so much. I may not be able to hug Heather anymore, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk to her and still let her know that I love her.

We need to be there for our kids. We need to teach them right from wrong. We need to show them that they are loved. We need to listen to them. Summer is here and this should be an enjoyable time. We live in an apartment complex, but we have a blow-up pool to use for those warm days. Carter enjoys some fun too. Instead, more days than not, I opt to let him play indoors.

We have new neighbors. I have tried to get along with the kids and include them. No more. The kids are in elementary school - maybe 5 and 6. They don't listen when we ask them to play nicely. It's not like there is anyone out there watching them…

Suicides are so Painful

Each time I hear of another suicide, I just want to cry. It brings the pain from losing Heather, my beautiful 22 year old daughter, back to full force pain. This is my baby when she was younger, with my middle daughter Amy and my sister Joan, taking a walk around Packanack Lake. Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think that one day I would be feeling the pain from losing her. There is no other way to put it - this sucks, big time.

Heather was beautiful. She was always running around making sure that everyone was happy and doing well, but she passed over herself. To her, she was not worth the effort. Mental Illness kills and until we all step up and let people know that this is happening all the time, and that it's ok to need help, it will continue.

We can't hide this under the rug, we can't sweep past it like it doesn't matter. It matters, big time. 1 in 4 people are affected by Mental Illness and it is so easy for so many to hide the pain they are feeling. We …

Summer is Here and I am Not Ready

The nicer weather is starting to arrive (although I am told we are heading back to Spring weather this week.) I love the warmth of the sun. Summer must be my favorite season. It just doesn't seem like summer this year. Festivals and special abound and I feel like I must drag myself to certain events but I still can't get my head in the game. I love looking at the pictures of my beautiful girls and my handsome grandson, along with their friends, but all the new pictures do is emphasize that there will be no more new memories of Heather.

Pain. Pain is what Heather knew. So many people suffer in silence. If all the voices were heard and felt, it would be like the pain was screaming through so many that we love and care for. The problem? So many hide the pain. They don't feel like it is normal. They don't feel worth it. What they feel is pain. The way to end the pain is to share what is causing it. Don't hide it anymore. I know you guys don't want to feel this pai…

It Seems The Fog Won't Leave Me

My world since Heather chose to end her life seems to be just living in a fog. This picture was from about a year ago. Heather was still with us. She looks so happy. They all do. None of us expected our world to change so much in a year. I look through our photos often. Well, it's not hard. They are all digital and they just rotate on the laptop and on the TV when a show we were watching ends. Photos are a great screensaver.

There have been new photos added, but it's hard to call those photos memories. It's like my timeline is frozen with Heather. In January, we went down to Florida to spend some time with Carol. It's been hard on all of us. We took quite a few pictures, but when I see them, it's like they are faint memories. I remember being there, but nothing more. Will this all change one day? Will I always live in this fog? Over 7 months later and it feels like my choice is still fog or tears.

Last weekend, we had a barbecue with friends. Heather was usually w…