My world since Heather chose to end her life seems to be just living in a fog. This picture was from about a year ago. Heather was still with us. She looks so happy. They all do. None of us expected our world to change so much in a year. I look through our photos often. Well, it's not hard. They are all digital and they just rotate on the laptop and on the TV when a show we were watching ends. Photos are a great screensaver.
There have been new photos added, but it's hard to call those photos memories. It's like my timeline is frozen with Heather. In January, we went down to Florida to spend some time with Carol. It's been hard on all of us. We took quite a few pictures, but when I see them, it's like they are faint memories. I remember being there, but nothing more. Will this all change one day? Will I always live in this fog? Over 7 months later and it feels like my choice is still fog or tears.
Last weekend, we had a barbecue with friends. Heather was usually with us at the barbecues and it was really hard not having her there. In fact, most of the barbecue I stayed inside. I just couldn't do it. Each laughter I heard was like a knife through the heart - she wouldn't be stopping by and making us all laugh and smile.
This week we got the business cards and magnets and started handing them out. I so hope that some of these cards help save a life or two. I don't want anyone to have to find the fog to keep functioning in this world. I don't want anyone to know the pain that is so intense from the loss. I don't want anyone to realize the value of the photos you had. I don't want anyone to realize the value of new pictures. Pain this intense can rob you of life.
If any of you are thinking of ending your life, please think again. I know you may be hurting and I know the pain you may be feeling is intense, but there is hope. I know you just want the pain to stop and you can do that. You can make some changes. Life can get better but it won't happen overnight and it won't happen until you take the first steps.
I admit that I live in a fog at times, but I do try to lift it often. I function, I watch my grandson and play with him, I try to write new articles on the blog. My new memories may be faint but I do hope that one day I will be able to have new memories. From everything that I have read, this is a long process. One day, maybe I won't live in a fog so much, but for now, it helps me. I will say the fog is a lot thinner now than in the first days. That gives me hope and I think all of us need to have a little hope in whatever we do.