Friday, June 17, 2016

There is No Escape From the Pain


The pain we all feel from the loss of Heather is overwhelming. Our hearts are still not ready and I don't think they ever will be. Years ago, I suffered from a few things that I really don't want to get into at this point, but my first method of getting rid of the pain was alcohol. Yeah, that didn't work out too well. Now, as an adult, I can look back and see that alcohol really is a depressant. I do know that before Heather pulled the trigger, she drank a LOT of alcohol. She was depressed before but the alcohol gave her the "strength" she needed to take her life. So, no, alcohol is not something I can use for escape. It never helped me and it certainly didn't help Heather.

The next step on my journey to escape from the pain was attempting to take my own life. Yeah, I didn't succeed but it didn't mean I didn't feel the pain. My attempt hurt my family and I knew I couldn't hurt my Mom and the rest of them by ever trying this again. After we lost Heather, we all made a vow to each other to never take the path that Heather chose. We knew the pain that we all felt and while some days it feels like it would be Heaven on Earth to stop the pain, I also knew that taking my life would add more pain to my family and I couldn't take that path as an escape also.

I still felt like my life was useless. No, I didn't stop the alcohol, but alcohol gave me permission to try drugs. Yeah, I took a lot of them. I figured, in my misguided mind back then, that if I ended up overdosing, it wouldn't hurt my family because I didn't actually commit suicide. Boy, was I wrong. Acid, Speed, Mescaline, Quaalude - I didn't care what I took - anything was better than feeling the pain. Eventually, I found out that I couldn't even function without the speed. I took it as soon as I woke up and used it throughout the day. It even got to the point that I took it before bed so that I didn't sleep too long and have bad dreams. Well, the only thing I think I did right was that I didn't try to escape with Heroin - not because it was bad for me or highly addictive, it was more my fear of needles. Anyway, it took a while and a lot of strength and I got off of speed.

Years and years passed and I bring you now to this past week. You would think that the pain of losing Heather would lessen over time, but it really doesn't. It hurts so badly. My one friend laughs at me that I really have become a space cadet - but that is because when I go into my fog, I can actually, sort of, function and get through seeing other people. Anyway, I started searching about Heroin. Mind you, I have heard and seen so many horror stories about the end results of heroin, that I knew this wasn't my choice either. I have been off of chemicals for over 30 years and there is no way I could go back to them again. Quitting was just too hard and I don't know if I would have the strength to stop again.

So, how do I get rid of the pain? Well, I'm not sure. I think the pain is there for the rest of my life. I don't have the option of getting drunk and escaping through alcohol because I know when I get sober, it will probably be worse. I can't take my life because I know the pain those left behind feel. I can't get myself wasted on chemicals because I would let my girls and my grandson down - big time, and I can't do that either. I pray a lot these days. I talk to Heather. I talk to my Mom. I talk to my Pop Pop. When it gets excruciating, I hide in sleep. No, it doesn't make the pain better, but it lets me play with my grandson and work on my site and try to share that none of the escapes I found in my life are the answer. All the escapes that I found just make things worse.

When you hurt really bad, stay away from alcohol, stay away from chemicals, pray, meditate, find something to help you get through the pain for that day. Understand that sometimes the pain just won't leave and that is ok. We all need to just find something to help us function. Some days are better than others, but none of my days are fatal. The pain hurts but I know I can survive it and be stronger in the end. We started sharing Heather's choice and every time that I hear that someone does NOT take their life and does NOT overdose, those are the days that give me the strength to continue. Please, never take those paths. They aren't the answer, they will only make things worse for you!