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Showing posts from July, 2016

Another Month Winds Down Without Heather

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Nine months of my life have disappeared. If I look back over the time that we have spent without Heather in our midst, there aren't too many moments that stand out. It seems like, for the most part, I have just existed. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I am trying to go forward, one step at a time. It's not always easy and there are times, I can't even take a step at all. Sometimes, like in real life, sometimes I just need to pause and catch my balance. That is usually easier said than done. I love all my girls so much. It hurts when people say that I have 2 daughters now. No, I have 3. One of them may be an angel, but she is still my daughter. Suicide didn't change that.

These days I do know that Heather will not be walking down the path from the parking lot, but it doesn't mean that I don't wish she still could. I know she won't be stopping over for a few hours for something to eat and a nap before heading out to work. I still wish she could. That is one of t…

The Pain From Heather's Suicide Won't Go Away

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Pain and tears. Some days I feel like that is all my life will be. Yes, I love my other 2 girls and I love my grandson, but it doesn't take away the love I have for Heather. I miss her every day of my life. I do my best to make sure I don't cry around Carter. He doesn't like when I cry. It makes him sad and I don't want that.

I try my best every day to function, but I know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. I toss and turn most of the night. I just try to get through the night so that I can face another day. I still have no desire to eat. I try different recipes but usually my stomach just goes into knots and I wish I hadn't eaten anything. Is this the rest of the my life? Tears and pain? That's all I see for my future.

I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I started watching the last season of Hannibal last night and when they were talking about Dante's Hell and that the 7th level of Hell was reserved for suicides, I wante…

Heather, Death Doesn't Stop My Love and Caring

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Heather, Every day without you is painful. Every single day is a reminder that you are no longer with us. I can no longer hear your beautiful voice. I can no longer feel your arms wrapped around me. There are so many things I can no longer do. I can and will love you forever. You are forever in my thoughts. You are forever in my prayers. You are forever in my heart.

I treasure every picture I have of you. I look at them and I try to smile at the memories. You were my baby. Nothing will ever change that. A lot of times, there are posts shared on social media about how much we, as parents, truly love our kids. If your kid is the best, like and share this post. If you would do anything for your child, like and share this post. There are so many of them, and Heather, they are all true. Just because you are up in Heaven, it doesn't change my thoughts. You are my baby.

I wouldn't want to not see those posts, because it is a reminder that I have 3 beautiful daughters. I have 3 daugh…

Happy Birthday Heather

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Happy Birthday, baby. It kills me every day that I can't talk to you, can't see you, can't hold you, but special days are the hardest. You were such a beautiful person and I know you are a beautiful angel. I also know it's selfish of me, but I just want you back, with every fiber of my being.

If I could change anything, it would be to talk to you more. Tell you more often that you were worth it. Tell you that every single person has really bad days at one point in their life, but there are good days that are right around the corner. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry I didn't know how much you needed me. I wish you were better at believing how much you were loved by everyone. You had a heart of gold - a gold so pure that you touched so many lives. You made a difference to so many - including myself and your sisters. Even Carter was left a better person by you being in his life. I'm sorry he won't get to know you better except from wha…

Change Can Happen For the Good

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From everything I have read, seen and felt, the reason for most suicides can be summed up with one word, Pain. I think all of us have felt the pain at one point or another in their lives. Now, imagine that pain surrounding you more often than not. Sometimes, continuously, for days, weeks, months, years ... Yes, there are some good days and bad. For Heather, her choice was no more pain.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Heather when she was younger. She loved to go shopping! LOL She would practice that pose all the time! Years later, it makes me smile so much. My grandson, Carter, will see this image go across the TV at times (our photos are are screensaver mosaic) and he will just try to copy that pose for himself. Heather (and Carter) would just change outfits at whim, many times a day.

There are many causes for pain and sometimes, we just let that pain envelope us. We can't do that. I will look at pictures from the past and look at Heather and see if I could see the pain s…

Don't Let Things Stand in Your Way

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So true. Heather had so much fun this day. We were staying down in Chincoteague, VA. It was beautiful and we were starting out on the boat to go blue fin tuna fishing. Heather was having fun however, she was also sick as a dog on the water. She did not let this stop her from having fun. She would just bend over the towel, get a little sick, cover it back up and got back to enjoying herself.

Sometimes, we just have to look at the good and not focus on the bad. Every day is hard since we lost Heather. This was Heather's choice and not ours. She was hurting so badly inside, yet she didn't want anyone to know. The result of that is that we now feel her pain and she is free from the pain. I have a choice when I look at this picture. I can cry and think about the new memories that will never come or I can remember the laughter and the fun that we all had. I admit, I usually feel both - the good and the bad. Some days are harder than others, but she is very out of our thoughts.

I al…