Monday, July 4, 2016
Change Can Happen For the Good
From everything I have read, seen and felt, the reason for most suicides can be summed up with one word, Pain. I think all of us have felt the pain at one point or another in their lives. Now, imagine that pain surrounding you more often than not. Sometimes, continuously, for days, weeks, months, years ... Yes, there are some good days and bad. For Heather, her choice was no more pain.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Heather when she was younger. She loved to go shopping! LOL She would practice that pose all the time! Years later, it makes me smile so much. My grandson, Carter, will see this image go across the TV at times (our photos are are screensaver mosaic) and he will just try to copy that pose for himself. Heather (and Carter) would just change outfits at whim, many times a day.
There are many causes for pain and sometimes, we just let that pain envelope us. We can't do that. I will look at pictures from the past and look at Heather and see if I could see the pain she was experiencing. Was she happy there? Was she hurting? The questions don't stop. They are there. I can focus on the pictures and the questions or I can focus on something else. It's hard not to ask the question, but I am trying. I am trying to look at the memory itself as always being a good memory.
I am attaching good memories to some of the old pictures. Instead of just seeing Heather in one of her favorite poses, I see Carter trying to emulate her. Now, this picture is one - while it used to make me sad, it now has some joy attached to it. That is what we all have to do - about so much more than just a picture.
Years ago, I was married. It was a pretty brief, intense marriage. Yeah, there was a lot of passion there - both good and well, some very bad. I never really thought about that marriage too often - there was a lot of pain attached with it. He truly was the first man I really loved. Through everything that had gone on before, I was still strong enough to overcome. One point came, and well, he broke my heart - he destroyed my hope in our love - and that love was forever changed in my heart. The pain was pretty intense. Besides the pain of a broken heart, it added to everything else before. It's usually not just one thing that sets things off, it's a path that leads you further into the pain.
Recently, I saw my first husband. Yes, I was nervous as anything and I think he was too. He is happily married and basically, he apologized. He knows what he did and well, he said it a little differently, but he was just wrong. Please, I am not saying I was perfect, but I know that the one action, changed me forever. It really wasn't even the action itself, it was knowing that he thought so little of what I valued so much. However, because of what my first marriage was like, he learned from his mistakes and he changed. He swore to himself he would never ever do that again, and it made him a better person. It gave him a strong, solid marriage with a great family. It gave me back a friend.
When pain envelops you and you think there is no hope, look around. There is hope. Cruelty can become kindness. Weakness can become strength. Hopelessness can become Hopefulness. Change can happen. You just have to take one step at a time. Pain can become peace.