Don't Let Things Stand in Your Way
So true. Heather had so much fun this day. We were staying down in Chincoteague, VA. It was beautiful and we were starting out on the boat to go blue fin tuna fishing. Heather was having fun however, she was also sick as a dog on the water. She did not let this stop her from having fun. She would just bend over the towel, get a little sick, cover it back up and got back to enjoying herself.
Sometimes, we just have to look at the good and not focus on the bad. Every day is hard since we lost Heather. This was Heather's choice and not ours. She was hurting so badly inside, yet she didn't want anyone to know. The result of that is that we now feel her pain and she is free from the pain. I have a choice when I look at this picture. I can cry and think about the new memories that will never come or I can remember the laughter and the fun that we all had. I admit, I usually feel both - the good and the bad. Some days are harder than others, but she is very out of our thoughts.
I also admit that I don't really go out very often these days. I get tired watching Carter during the day. Have I mentioned he is a ball of energy? LOL At the same time, when things are quiet here, I do like to just enjoy the quiet. I have friends visit now and then, but for the main part, I have become a loner. It gets hard at times. When I go out, I see some people at times that I don't normally see and then it becomes a Heather chat, and those are still really hard for me. But, it's also hard if they don't talk about her. I guess if I had the choice, it will always be to talk about her.
I could have gone away this weekend with Amy and Carter. While it is nice to get out now and then, I'm still not ready for long trips. The trip we took to Florida to visit with Carol was way too hard. Yes, it was good to see her and I wouldn't have missed it, it was also very draining. Yeah, I still don't do well for long periods of time. Even some of the chats I have, I don't even remember some of them after they are done. I only have gotten up to little periods of "good" so far. I know over time it will get easier, but I'm not there yet. I don't know that I will be there for a while.
If you think taking your life will make things better, let me tell you now that it won't be better for those left behind. It will never be better without you in their lives. All we can do, those of us that have survived a loss of someone closes to suicide, is learn how to deal with the pain that does not go away. Even when you think you are having a great day, you never know when something will change and all you can feel is the pain ripping through your heart. So please, if you feel like you should end your life, think again and get some help. The first step is the hardest step, tell someone you need help.