Sunday, July 24, 2016
The Pain From Heather's Suicide Won't Go Away
Pain and tears. Some days I feel like that is all my life will be. Yes, I love my other 2 girls and I love my grandson, but it doesn't take away the love I have for Heather. I miss her every day of my life. I do my best to make sure I don't cry around Carter. He doesn't like when I cry. It makes him sad and I don't want that.
I try my best every day to function, but I know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. I toss and turn most of the night. I just try to get through the night so that I can face another day. I still have no desire to eat. I try different recipes but usually my stomach just goes into knots and I wish I hadn't eaten anything. Is this the rest of the my life? Tears and pain? That's all I see for my future.
I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I started watching the last season of Hannibal last night and when they were talking about Dante's Hell and that the 7th level of Hell was reserved for suicides, I wanted to die. I don't want Heather in Hell. I want her in Heaven, with the other angels. She was and will always be my angel. She had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. The pain Heather felt didn't make her a bad person. She was suffering in silence through mental illness and that is the cause of her death. Suicide was just her cure for the pain. No, I know she is in Heaven and what gets me through each day is knowing that one day in the future, I will be able to give her a hug. I so long to do that.
I'm sorry I haven't shared lately, but some days, the pain just gets too intense. Imagine your life never seeing one of the people that you love dearly and was taken from you too soon. It's devastating. I spoke with my father the other day and he summed up the loss of my Mom very simply. This is something I don't think I will ever recover from. That about sums it all up.