Death Is Final
No matter how much I wish things could be different, Heather is gone and there is no going back. Every day it's a struggle not to spend my day in tears. But, each day I get up and try to function the best that I can. She's my baby, and when she was with us, I loved her so much. While she is gone, I still love her. I still miss her and I still worry about her. Has the pain left? Is she really at peace? I have to trust that she is.
When you lose your child, whether from suicide, overdose, an accident or even a serious illness, it is just so hard. Your heart still has all the love, but we can no longer hold them. We can't pick up a phone and ask them what's going on in their lives. They have no more life. They are now our angels.
I got to know Heather before she was even born. She was inside of me and I grew to love her more and more each day. I am still growing to love her more and more. Death doesn't change that. When I had Heather, I was so scared. Imagine, my third child scared me so much, most of my pregnancy was in fear. You see, we almost lost both of her sisters. Carol was a newborn, not even a day old, and she stopped breathing. They got her breathing again, but that was the first time I learned that the fear of something going wrong could scare me that much. Then, when Amy was just about 11 months old, she caught a very bad virus. 10 days in ICU and for months, she was on meds every 2 hours, around the clock. Amy finally got healthy, but those days in the ICU scared the daylights out of me.
Then the news came. I was pregnant with Heather. I was so scared. I didn't think of the joy of having her, I thought of the fear of possibly losing her. I was so scared. You know what? She was born so healthy. I thought all my fears of losing a child were over. How wrong I was. Now, I can't do anything more with her except talk with her and tell her in my prayers and thoughts that I still love her and wish the best for her.
You can't fear life or it won't be complete. You can't fear the unknown but try your best to overcome any challenges you may encounter. One of my greatest challenges is waking up each day and looking for the good in the day. Every day I want to show Heather that we are doing ok. We can function in life with her beside us as our personal angel. She was an angel to so many in life. She helped those that needed her, even if she really didn't care for the person that needed the help. We all need to be more like Heather and help those that we can. It's not always easy, and trust me, I am far from perfect here, but each day, we all need to be more like her.
Heather is gone. As parents, many of us have lost children. It's a pain you never want to know, but it's a pain that you can live with. The pain in my heart is a constant reminder of the beautiful woman that Heather grew up to be. So, please, do me a favor. When you see someone grieving for their child, keep this phrase out of your conversation, no matter how long it has been. Never, ever tell someone to "Get Over It." That is the cruelest thing to say - there is no getting over the loss.
Yes, function, live your life, make your child proud of the person that you are. They may be our angels now, but that will never stop the love that we have for them in our hearts.