Saturday, August 27, 2016
Rawr Means I Love You in Dinosaur
Heather loved her dinosaurs. She would rawr at us now and then, because Rawr meant I love you in dinosaur. Needless to say, Jurassic Park was one of her favorite movies. The other night, I had such a vivid, weird dream, I actually woke up more tired than when I went to bed. It was a very restless sleep.
For some reason, in my dream, we stopped at a convenience store. No big deal. But the size of the store was like a Super Walmart but also 3 floors high. Okay, so that is a little weird, but it was so vivid. Oh, I forget to mention the really scary part. The place was full of velocirapators. Now some of the raptors were friendly (was very scary when one tried to hug me), but, some were not so nice but we made it out ok. Well, I don't really remember getting out, but I do remember the fear of being in there. I do remember the one big craw running down my back, adrenaline soaring as I thought I was about to be ripped in two and it was very gentle.
Anyway, as I said, it was very memorable so I decided it was time to have a Jurassic Park marathon, at least with the 3 that are on Netflix. While Heather loved the movies, well, I never thought I would go search out the movies. I'm very glad I did. They are on Netflix, but only until Sept 1st! So, yes, I took this as a sign from Heather that she wanted to watch them.
I was really tired from the dream, so I only got about 2/3 of the way through the first movie before I was heading to bed. The next morning, I was talking to Carol about it and she said, Mom, you are probably driving her crazy. (Heather loved her movie marathons.) She is probably telling you to hurry up so she can get thru her marathon. My answer to Heather is if she was relying on one of us to get the message and follow thru on a quick marathon, she should have chosen someone else to give her hint too! LOL
The movie marathon was (is) very good for me. I am on the 3rd movie, and I am enjoying watching it and remembering how much she loved those movies. I probably needed it, because to be honest, in the days before, I wasn't doing very well at all. I can't say that it was the same as when Heather took her life, but in it's own way, it was just as painful. I've talked to some other parents that lost their child to suicide. No one can really answer the most important question though. "When will I be normal?" Well, I don't think I will ever be that person again. That person, the one that was me, has altered. I don't really know who I am anymore.
They also tell me that everyone has a different story. Everyone deals in their own way. Everyone, while being the same on some very elemental level, is so very different. They tell me that 10 months is very early yet. I didn't write last weekend, I just needed some time to me. Now, I think that was a mistake. Time for me is good, but I also need time to share with Heather. Today was not about the pain, today was a happy (but very frightening) memory that I got to share with my baby, 10 months after she chose suicide.