Saturday, October 1, 2016
October Rolled in With Tears Pouring Down My Face
Each time I think I am moving forward, it seems that something happens and the tears won't stop again. October used to be one of my favorite months. I loved Halloween. Now, I wish I could just skip over the entire month.
October 3rd will mark the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's death and October 26th will mark Heather's 1 year anniversary of her decision to end her own life. I wish I could just skip over the entire month. Last October was the worst month in my life and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't find that to be true at all. The pain doesn't go away. So many times I just want to pick up the phone and call my Mom. I can't. I can't talk to her about my baby's death. My Mom had already passed on.
I wish I could have both of them home with me. I want to wrap my arms around both of them and never let them go. I want the pain of losing them both so close together to end. I want to stop crying every day. However much I want this, I can't have either of them back.
My Mom lived a full life until she lost the battle to Kidney cancer. She lived until there was nothing left to live for. As much as I want her back, I don't want her to suffer more. I can accept her death as much as it hurts. Heather was 22. She chose to leave this world before her time. She didn't want to live in this world and while I don't want her to hurt, she could have asked for anything and we all would have helped her. Her pain could have been stopped.
Now I realize that I will always have this pain with me. It just got transferred. Please, if you ever think about taking your life, please stop and ask for help. Yes, you could end the pain you are feeling, but those left behind will always feel it. Their heart will be torn out of their very soul and will leave them hurting for the rest of their lives. Please, never take this path.
My dear Mommy and Heather, I miss you both and while I won't rush it along, I pray the day will come that I can wrap my arms around both of you in Heaven. I miss you both so much. I love you! Always!