Saturday, December 10, 2016

I Have the Best Girls in the World


They say that time heals all wounds. I guess so? I just find that time let's you teach yourself to deal with it. I remember so clearly each of my girls when they came into this world. So much of what happens, starting from pregnancy with each of them, changed me more.

Carol was my first born. I had a few miscarriages before her and one was really nasty. There was some scarring inside and eventually they told me to accept that I wouldn't have kids. I would probably never be able to carry full-term. Well, Carol showed me differently. She was beautiful the day she came into this world. About 4 hours after she joined us, she stopped breathing. They finally revived her, but that left a huge memory for me. She was such a gift and I almost never got to see the beautiful woman she grew up to be.

Amy was next. Amy came into this world full of love for everyone she met. She was the one I used to teach about "stranger danger" because she would run up to everyone for a hug. However, when Amy was 11 months old, I almost lost her. She went from being perfectly fine to shooting up to over 104 temperature and seizured and well, I almost lost her. 10 days in ICU and then when they finally discharged her - another 2 months until she had a normal temperature.

Heather was my last baby. I remember sitting down crying when I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared. After after losing 2 of my babies, something inside of me was so scared. I didn't think I would survive going through that all again. Maybe God was telling me then to enjoy Heather while she was with us, because I wouldn't have her for long.

Silly me was so relieved when she was born. She was beautiful. She was healthy. I finally started relaxing and it was such a relief that God was done my some really hard trials. It was such a relief to hold her in my arms and know she would always be with us. To turn around and lose her, by her choice, was so hard. Would I have given up the chance to know her if I knew it was only going to be for 22 years? No. I treasure each of those years with her.

Will I "get over" Heather? No, that won't happen. Some days are harder than others. Yes, there are things that make me laugh now. However, there is a constant ache in my heart that will never go away. Heather will always be a part of me. Will I crawl in a hole and join her? No! Will I do everything I can to make sure that others remain vigilant with their kids? Yes!

Mental illness is not always visible. We all thought everything was fine with Heather. She laughed and seemed to enjoy herself. Yes, she had some crummy days. We all do. The one thing I learned is that every single person that we know is at risk. They say 1 in 4 of us are affected with it. Instead of hiding it under a rock and not talking about, we need to share. People have to know that there is hope.

I have heard from quite a few that said because of Heather's choice and our choice to share this, other lives have been saved. There is help for everyone. The hardest part is to ask. If you ever need a safe place, our door is always open. You may not know me but I care. You can message me on the website or through Facebook. If it is after hours and I am actually asleep, it may take me a little bit to reply, but please, hold on! Don't give in. Together, we can help you get through the pain. If you aren't hurting now, please, find your "safety" place now. You never know if it may come the day that you need one. Teach your children that Mental Illness is real and that no matter how they feel, let them know that there is always hope and that they just have to ask.