A new year has begun and I am in the process of making changes. Nothing changes until then, so no time like the present. There are certain things I have to accept before I can move on. The first is that no matter how much I wish it to be different, Heather will never walk through our door again and throw her arms around me. That's something I just will never stop wishing. The second and the hardest is that this pain doesn't go away.
As a Mom, I love all my daughters and my grandson. They all hold a special place in my heart and that place will never change. The pain that radiates from my heart from the loss of Heather doesn't go away, but I have to learn how to function through the pain. People have said that it is early, it will get better, it won't be as bad. I don't see that. I see the pain as constant. But, on the other hand, I have to learn to accept the pain will always be there and I will use that pain to try to make the world a better place.
I have been blessed with 3 wonderful daughters and a grandson that constantly is on the go. They all have hearts of gold and I would be lost without them. Even when my depression was at it's worst, I always knew that suicide would not be an option for me. No matter what. I used to think that my girls would grow to hate me if I did. I know now that I was wrong, they wouldn't hate me - they would feel the pain for the rest of their lives.
I must admit, the pain from losing Heather did a big number of me. I know now that it would be the same for any of us. Imagine waking up one morning and realizing that a huge earthquake hit and the ground that you used to walk on with ease, is now a jungle of twists and turns that you never knew were there. You will take wobbly steps as you work you way through the devastation. While the world is now completely different after the earthquake, we will eventually learn how to go on and adapt to the new surroundings.
The same is true when we lose someone very close to us. We may need those close to us to reach out and hold our hands while we take the first tentative steps. Eventually, we will be able to walk on our own, but it will take time. I have so many to thank for helping me, but the main 4 are Carol, Amy, Heather and Carter.
Carol, thank you. You flew up here without a second's hesitation and you helped hold us all together. Amy, you kept me sane and kept me moving. I know you both lost your sister and your Mom wasn't really there for you. She was cowering in her pain. I want to thank you for two for everything you did. Heather, I'm sure, was very pleased with the arrangements that you guys made. Carter, you just keep on going and going. Even your temper tantrums help me make it through each day.
Heather, you may be gone, but you continually teach me to keep going. You helped so many and hurt so badly yourself, and yet, nothing stopped you. Yes, you finally reached your limit and I wish I could undo it, and tell you that you were right around the corner from your next success. I wish you understood that. That being said, I am still thankful for all the years that I did have with you.
Each day, I wake up and I give thanks that you are all in my life. I started off telling our story and I published way too early. The story now is all the pain that was radiating out. I am going to spend this year re-writing the book. Where there is pain, I also want to offer more hope. It won't be easy, but you guys have all shown me that together, we really are a team and with your strength and support, I know I will be able to get through this. We will have a story to share that can offer to help those that are suffering. Together, as a family, we can do anything! I love you all!