The Fog Is Lifting
One of the main things that got me through the loss of Heather was what I call my fog. This picture was taken about 2 years ago. Heather was still with us and it was right before Carol moved to Florida. The way the rays from the sun hit my girls and Carter, well, now it makes me think of a painting another friend of mine did for me after losing her.
Back to the fog. I think one of the main benefits of the fog was that it got me through the hardest events in my life and still remain whole. Well, as whole as I could ever hope to be. These days, it seems like the fog is leaving me and I feel like I am back at square one all over again, but this time, there is no fog to help me. I cry for no apparent reason. I have problems falling asleep again. I close my eyes and I go back to the image of Heather when she was in the funeral home before her cremation. It's awful. I really don't want to talk to anyone. I just want some time alone. I need to grieve.
Yes, I will continue my blog, but you may feel like you are back at the beginning of the grieving process with me. Maybe this really is just part of the grieving process. I know others in our situation and it seems quite a few are also going through it also. Maybe it was Mother's Day that brought it on, maybe it is the nicer weather, maybe it's just because it's time. Maybe the fog is only supposed to stay for a certain amount of time. I don't know.
At this point, I'm basically putting plans on hold. I'll write some posts, I'll work on the giveaways, I'll function, but it's a different kind of functioning than I am used to. It's fog-less. I don't know. Maybe the fog will come back, maybe it won't. I have no clue. Just don't expect too much out of me at this point in my life.
What makes me cry? Various things. The other day I found out that I won DVDs of Rugrats Seasons 1 and 2. Winning is happy, right? I cried because Heather, like all my girls, loved the Rugrats. They would watch them for hours. Yes, they can share the Rugrats with Carter and it's a good thing. I cried like a baby after winning because Heather wouldn't be able to come over and watch them with us.
I've learned a lot over the last. well, almost 19 months now. A lot I don't remember, but I know I have learned quite a bit. Now, with no fog, maybe I will learn more. Time will tell. I have no clue what is going to go on with my life at this point. Part of me hopes for the return of the fog, and part of me hopes to never have to live in the fog again. Yes, I will always hurt and I am sure I will cry for Heather for the rest of my life. Hopefully, I will be able to control it one day. Hopefully, seeing a TV show that she liked won't put me in tears.
Anyway, be patient with me. I'll keep writing, just bear with me if it takes a little while. While the fog is lifted, either temporarily or forever, I am going to start going through my site. I know I shared quite a bit with all of you over this time period. The only problem for me is that I don't even know what I shared with you. Who knows, maybe I'll end up stronger because of it. Wish me luck!