I Feel So Uncomfortable Around People Now
That may sound strange coming from someone with a blog based around suicide, but it's true. There is no off button to being a mom that loses a child to suicide. You go out and yes, you can hear people talk about it like you weren't there. Most people don't even want to acknowledge it. After all, it could happen to them and no one wants to even go there.
Hiding under a bushel is not the answer. Well, for me, sometimes, it is. And yes, right now I am in hibernation. I just need a break from it for a bit. I will continue writing, but I also need some time for me away from others. I had someone tell me that at least I knew this was a possibility. Really? I had no clue. This came from out of the blue to me. I knew my daughter would give her heart and soul to someone in need. I knew she worked hard. I knew she was taking classes to try to become an EMT. She talked about goals, she didn't talk about ending her life.
Suicide is one of the topics that is very hard to talk about. No one wants to admit that one day, their child might meet mine on the other side of the pearly gates. So many of those thinking about suicide hide it from those they love. They hold it all inside because they don't want people to think there is anything wrong with them. Heather admitted in a note that she thought people would think she was just trying to get attention! I would have given all the attention I could have to know that she was still with us. I can't bring her back.
What can you say to a Mom like me? I have no clue. Do you want to tell me that one day it won't hurt as much? Yeah, that won't happen. She is in my thoughts every single day. Every single day for the rest of my life I know I will never get a hug from her. I will never get a text message from her. I can look at her Facebook page, but mostly, those are just comments from a couple of her friends now and then, her sisters and myself. People want to forget. As a Mom, I will never forget.
What can you do? You can talk to your children about suicide and how many people in this world have thoughts of suicide and that if they ever feel that way, there are people to talk to. There are crisis numbers. There are text crisis numbers. There are therapist, counselors, etc. Let every person in the world that you meet know that they are not alone if they feel like, sometimes, death is preferable to living. Will that save your child? Again, no clue.
How old should they be before you talk to them? Again, that is a call that you have to make. I will tell you that I have heard of children as young as 10 choosing suicide. Each day this world gets harder and harder. I don't see an end to that. So, talk to your kids while you still have them. Trust me, you don't want to be the Mom that lost her child to suicide.