Some Days Are Harder Than Others
Losing Heather to suicide was a real blow. None of us knew this was coming. It was a complete shock to all of us. I'm not lucky enough like Roxi to just bury under a blanket and sleep the days away when it gets really bad. Most likely, you'll find me playing with my 4-year old grandson. He has way more energy that I do.
Last night was another rough night so I didn't get too much sleep. However, Carter is wide awake and full of energy! Since curling up under the blankets isn't an option for me, I needed to make a decision. My decision was to keep pushing forward. Yes, the bad days will always come up and hit me. Yes, I seem to have more bad days than good still, but if I give up, I will gradually just wither away and life will never get better.
I have to say, Carter has truly been a blessing for me. Yes, Amy and Carol are still a blessing, but they understand the bad days, while Carter just insists on getting my attention and it's a definite distraction for me. Losing your daughter to suicide is the worst thing that has happened in my life. I have heard people tell me to get over it. Yeah, that will never happen. Each day I learn to live a different life. A life where I can never have a face-to-face conversation with my daughter. This is something you never want to happen to your own life. You have to learn what your new life is.
You never know what is going to throw you into a tailspin. First, Mother's Day really did a number on me. Then I had a few people share a simple meme with me. "No one tells you that the hardest thing about being a Mom is watching your child grow up." That's it. A simple statement. It made me want to scream - no, the hardest thing about being a Mom is knowing that your child is dead. Your child will never grow up.
I actually loved as my girls grew up. Each day they developed more and more and became better each day of their lives. To me, it was exciting watching them grow up and learn and make their mark on the world. I guess that is the reason for the blog. Heather can't show anymore of her life, so I will continue. I will help Heather continue to leave her mark on the world. That is my goal. It's not easy. It really does get hard to write. However, to stop sharing is to stop sharing #SuicideAwareness. If more people shared, perhaps she would still be with us. I can't bring her back, but maybe, through the blog, Heather can keep helping others get their lives in order.